i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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