I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize