I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
