dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
