I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize