omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
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