Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
