If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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