I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
