My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
