It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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