Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
