I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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