someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
