How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize