I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
