i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
