Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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