Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
