My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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