we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
