swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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