party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
