Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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