Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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