Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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