It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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