Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
