The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
