Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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