I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
