No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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