I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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