This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
