We're facebook friends in real life
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
