I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
