If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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