On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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