I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i think i have two assholes
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
