I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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