Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
