i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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