So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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