I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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