So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
