I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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