Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
