This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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