At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
