we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
