his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize