Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
