and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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