Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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