Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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