i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
