I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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