Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I lost the right to judge tonight
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
